Quotes by Bill Hicks

People often ask me where I stand politically. Its not that I disagree with Bushs economic policy or his foreign policy, its that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

Im sorry if any of you are catholic. Im not sorry if youre offended, Im actually just sorry by the fact that youre catholic

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

I dont want any gay people hanging around me while Im killing kids. I just dont want to see it.

The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.

I ascribe to Mark Twains theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. Im not proud of it, I was hungry. And Im alone, Im eating and Im reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: Hey, whatcha readin for? Isnt that the weirdest fuckin question youve ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm...I dunno...I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I dont end up being a fuckin waffle waitress.

I want my rockstars dead.

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, Whats wrong? Nothing. Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile. Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.

So Im over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me... Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if its any consolation crime is horrible here, too. ...Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. Its hilarious, you dont know if youre reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article - front page of the paper - one day, in England: Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry. Wooooo... The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight.

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I dont want any gay people hanging around me while Im killing kids. I just dont want to see it.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. I believe God created me in one day. Yeah, looks like He rushed it