Quotes by W. C. Fields

“Ive been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.”

“Now dont say you cant swear off drinking; its easy. Ive done it a thousand times.”

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, well be seeing six or seven.”

“It was a woman who drove me to drink -- and, you know, I never even thanked her.”

“I drink therefore I am.”

“The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; its only a question of degree.”

“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”

“A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.”

“The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.”

“Dont worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

“Women are like elephants. I like to look at em, but I wouldnt want to own one.”

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

“Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.”

“What is the presidency but a glorified business -- or, at least, a fine racket.”

“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”

“Ive never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.”

“Im looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.)”

“I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know; its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.”