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Quotes by W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields

“You cant cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the first place.”

W. C. Fields

“If youre a real good kid, Ill give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.”

W. C. Fields

“Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”

W. C. Fields

“I was married once -- in San Francisco. I havent seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. Theres no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes arent all bad.”

W. C. Fields

“Its morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”

W. C. Fields

“Anyone who hates children and animals cant be all bad.”

W. C. Fields

“Never give a sucker an even break.”

W. C. Fields

“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”

W. C. Fields

“Never mind what I told you -- you do as I tell you.”

W. C. Fields

“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

W. C. Fields

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

W. C. Fields

“Never smarten up a chump.”

W. C. Fields

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

W. C. Fields

“There are only two real ways to get ahead today -- sell liquor or drink it.”

W. C. Fields

“Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.”

W. C. Fields

“Ill bend effort to win and I come from a long line of effort-benders.”

W. C. Fields

“Either youre drunk or your braces are lopsided.”

W. C. Fields

“Show me a great actor and Ill show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and youve seen the devil.”

W. C. Fields

“My illness is due to my doctors insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.”

W. C. Fields

“Theres not a man in America who at one time or another hasnt had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.”

W. C. Fields