Quotes by Terry Pratchett

“Whatever happens, they say afterwards, it must have been Fate. People are always a little confused about this, as they are in the case of miracles. When someone is saved from certain death by a strange concatenation of circumstances, they say thats a miracle. But of course if someone is killed by a freak chain of events : the oil just spilled there, the safety fence just broke there : that must also be a miracle. Just because its not nice doesnt mean its not miraculous.”

“You know me, Esme. I couldnt subtract a fart from a plate of beans.”

“When millions of tons of angry elephant come spinning through the sky, and there was no one there to hear it, does it - philosopically speaking - make a noise?”

“All these things have you said of beauty. Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied, And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy. It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth, But rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted. It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear, But rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears. It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw, But rather a garden for ever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight. People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face. But you are life and you are the veil. Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you are eternity and your are the mirror.”

“On this day 1802, the painter Methodia Rascal woke up in the night because the sounds of warfare weere coming from a drawer in his bedside table.Again.”

“Now the melting pot was full of lumps again.”

“For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.”

“Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, ocourse.”

“Theres a door.Where does it go?It stays where it is, I think.”

“The class was learning about some revolt in which some peasants had wanted to stop being peasants and, since the nobles had won, had stopped being peasants really quickly.”

“Something as artificial and human as an hour wouldnt last five minutes here. It would be dried out and shrivelled up in seconds.”

“But ye gotta know where yere just going to rush in. Ye canne just rush in anywhere. It looks bad, havin to rush oout again straight awa.”

“The point is that descriptive writing is very rarely entirely accurate and during the reign of Olaf Quimby II as Patrician of Ankh-Morpork some legislation was passed in a determined attempt to “put a stop to this sort of thing and introduce some honesty to reporting”.Thus, if a legend told of a notable hero that “all men spoke of his prowess” any bard who valued his life would hastily add “except for a couple of people in his home village who thought he was a loony, and quite a lot of other people who had never really heard of him.” Poetic simile was strictly limited to statements like: “His mighty steed was fast as the wind, on a fairly calm day, say about Force Three,” any loose talk about a beloved having a face that could launch a thousand ships would have to be backed by evidence that the object of desire did indeed own a very large seaport. Patrician Olaf II was eventually killed during an experiment conducted in the palace grounds to prove the disputed accuracy of the proverb “The Pen is mightier than the Sword”.In his memory it was decided that the proverb would from now on include the phrase: “only if the Sword is very small and the Pen very sharp.””

And what would humans be without love?RARE, said Death.

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, its called Life.

If cats looked like frogs wed realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. Thats what people remember.

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

I meant, said Ipslore bitterly, what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?Death thought about it.CATS, he said eventually. CATS ARE NICE.

The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only its as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.

There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: Whats up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I dont think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Whos been pinching my beer? And at the other end of the bar the world is full of the other type of person, who has a broken glass, or a glass that has been carelessly knocked over (usually by one of the people calling for a larger glass) or who had no glass at all, because he was at the back of the crowd and had failed to catch the barmans eye.