Quotes by Stephen Wright

“Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.”

“Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and Im gone.”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?”

“I went to a general store but they wouldnt let me buy anything specific.”

“Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with braces on them.”

“I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.”

“Its a small world, but I wouldnt want to have to paint it.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

“Dont drive as if you owned the road Drive as if you owned the car”

“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”

“I got up one morning and couldnt find my socks, so I called Information. She said, Hello, Information. I said, I cant find my socks. She said, Theyre behind the couch. And they were!”

“I have a switch in my apartment that doesnt do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said Cut it out!”