Quotes by Stephen Wright

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like Im the only one moving.”

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

“Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died theyd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.”

“When Im not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded”

“Sitting still and wishing Made no person great; The good Lord sends the fishing, but you must dig the bait”

“My friend has a baby. Im recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“Babies dont need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. Ill go over to them and say, What are you doing here, youve never worked a day in your life!.”

“The worst feature of a new baby is its mothers singing”

“My friend invented Cliffs Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short...”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“Why dont they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”

“My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said Do I know you?”

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, How to Build a Boat.