Quotes by Sloane Crosley

Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.

I got out on the street and started crying the kind of hysterical tears made justifiable only by turning off one’s cell phone, putting it to the ear, and pretending to be told of a death in the family.

The children were overwhelmingly morbid. Not a single adult asked me where butterflies go when they die, but this question was more popular than pixie sticks with the under-four-foot set. I cursed parents for not preparing their children. When I was five, my mother and sister sat me up on the kitchen counter and explained the facts of life: the Easter Bunny didnt exist, Elijah was Gods invisible friend, with any luck Nana would die soon, and if I ever saw a unicorn, I should kill it or catch it for cash. I turned out okay.

People are less quick to applaud you as you grow older. Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.

Francine looked up and mouthed, Thank you. any titme, I lied.

The real proof that I have tried to love and that people have tried to love me back was never going to fit in a kitchen drawer.

Its so clear to me now: the memorizing of a fake prayer, the symbolization of objects, the struggle to relate to the invisible - I needed a religion. I was lost.

Perhaps if Id had God in my life growing up I would have been able to understand the total and complete unfairness of the universe rewarding mean girls

There is a point in most abusive relationships when it occurs to the beaten party that they are guilty of putting their face in the way of someone elses fist.

So natural and universal is a childs curiosity about sex and so long are we conscious of it before we do it, that our original impressions of it leave an indelible mark.

Why do people always want to put their hands on vulnerability? I sped up.

I have never pictured my own wedding. I do want to get married. Its a nice idea. Though I think husbands are like tattoos - you should wait until you come across something you want on your body for the rest of your life.

It seemed that having girlfriends was a sign of innocence and a boundless capacity to care about other women. The hearts in that photograph and multiple strings attached to multiple other hearts. Everything was less about cliché and more about camaraderie. We werent out for ourselves, we were out for each other. When had I forgotten that? When had I cut the pink wire?

Weddings are friendship deal breakers if the friendship is weak. There are too many favors, too many tasks, too much required devotion and Aqua Net for imposters like me. I tried to make eye contact with Francine, to give her a knowing good-bye smile like a ghost of a loved one in a movie. It was no usue, I decided to cut my final pink wire. There would be no more yearly happy birthdays and certainly no more bonding with the girl in the duct tape dress. That ship had sailed.

love is not boastful. But hate? Apparently hate has a big mouth.

I thought of the past and how one should have respect for it, like the elderly.

It should be noted that my mother has a long history of being disturbingly unperturbed by what normal people deem perturbing. Certain things simply dont strike her as worthy of a sit-down.

Teddy bears are best because they understand its nice to be alone.

Even a person like this makes mistakes, cant always hold on to everything theyd like to,cant always force the world to spin in the direction of their choosing. Youll hug him longer than necessary and tell him to keep in touch. And youll know, finally, that it had nothing to do with you.

I was stunned. I pulled the phone away and looked quizzically at the hole-punched speaker. Aside from the blood obligation to be my sisters maid of honor, it had never occured to me that I would get asked to be in anyones wedding. I thought we had reached an understanding, the institution of marriage and I. Weddings are the like the triathlon of female friendship: the Shower, the Bachelorette Party, and the Main Event. Its the Iron Woman and most people never make it through. They fall off their bikes or choke on ocean water. I figured if I valued my life, Id stay away from weddings and theyd stay away from me.