Quotes by Paula Poundstone

“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they werent trying to teach you how to swim.”

“The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer”

“The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, its just sort of a tired feeling.”

“I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before Id done everything there was to do”

“The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didnt do it, then no one is sure it should be done.”

“I dont have a bank account, because I dont know my mothers maiden name”

“It is the best part of the night. The classic (interactive) lines are Where are you from? What do you do for a living? I almost always get something interesting.”

“I like to work on New Years Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the year-end thing at all, then laughing with fellow human beings is a great way to start the new year.”

“I think thats why they have so many relgious freaks in the airports...they even keep the flowers behind the counter Go, go my children...be fruitful and annoy.”

People need each other. Our well-being is tightly tethered to the well-being of people we do not know, most of whom look nothing like ourselves. Happiness, I realized right there in breathing class, requires engagement.

Deep-rooted happiness may require a sense of purpose. If I dont feel that I am in some small way contributing to the greater good, holding on to happiness is like carrying water in my hands.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, its just sort of a tired feeling.

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and she replied, Well, hold on to something, stupid. There it is. Thats it. Thats it in a nutshell. I dont want to sound negative, but I think every fetus should be shown a film of that incident, maybe projected up on the uterine wall, and then asked if it wants to come out. I am a strong believer in a womans right to choose, but I also think that in the last trimester, the kid should be given every opportunity to back out.

The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.

I fall short of her standards. She made me buy cat food that hasnt been tested on animals. My cats took one bite of it, spit it out, and yelled, Did no one test this?

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up cause theyre looking for ideas.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - cause theyre looking for ideas.

I used to watch The Waltons and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

I have a very silly sense of humor. Ive never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.