Quotes by Nicki Elson

I know every guy here, and they’re all pretty much jerks.

You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about.

Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?

What Hans had intended to end at a simple kiss quickly escalated into something neither one of them seemed able to stop.

I bring the girl to a museum, try to show her a little culture, and she turns a Chihuly into a giant phallus.

I’m not sitting back here with another dude while there are two perfectly doable females in the car.

It was simply a matter of asking him to remove the tie from his head before he made love to her.

You have a travel vibrator, so I assume you call this one your house vibrator. Store one in your dashboard for a car vibrator too? What about your desk at work? And do they each have their own name, or is it like George Foreman’s kids – Vibrizzio one, Vibrizzio two…

What exactly does that expression even mean? An ass that won’t quit? Think about the primary function of an ass—I’d think that’s the sort of thing you might want to quit.

One day she was going to be found dead mid-hump on a polyurethane phallus

Vibrizzio? You named it! Okay, this isn’t even close to healthy.

Just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean he and I can’t be just friends.” “And just because you don’t have to insert batteries into him doesn’t mean you can’t be more.

Does getting nailed by a werewolf count as bestiality?

That’s all women need men for? Sperm, a paycheck, and free flights?

My imagination plus Vibrizzio is not only equal to but also greater than a real man. Why should I settle for second best?

He met each newly exposed piece of flesh with a tender kiss, remembering how he’d dreamed of doing exactly this on the very first night he’d seen her.

No amount of wavy blond hair nor evenings spent with her plump lips applying just the right amount of pressure to his various pleasure points could make up for the rotting carcass of a soul that resided beneath all that beauty.

Some of us feel the need to experience life before bending to the will of an arcane society.

In what way did your parents screw up to make you the woman you are today?

It’s complicated. He’s not… Human? He’s playing hard to get.