Quotes by Mark Twain

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

I have had an aversion to good spelling for sixty years and more, merely for the reason that when I was a boy there was not a thing I could do creditably except spell according to the book. It was a poor and mean distinction, and I early learned to disenjoy it. I suppose that this is because the ability to spell correctly is a talent, not an acquirement. There is some dignity about an acquirement, because it is a product of your own labor. It is earned, whereas to be able to do a thing merely by the grace of God, and not by your own effort, transfers the thing to our heavenly home--where possibly it is a matter of pride and satisfaction, but it leaves you naked and bankrupt.

The preacher who casts a vote for conscience sake, runs the risk of starving.

If I had the remaking of man, he wouldnt have any conscience. It is one of the most disagreeable things connected with a person; and although it certainly does a great deal of good, it cannot be said to pay, in the long run; it would be much better to have less good and more comfort.

It dont make no difference whether you do right or wrong, a persons conscience aint got no sense, and just goes for him anyway.

The weakest of all weak things is a virtue which has not been tested in the fire.

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

and so when I couldnt stand it no longer, I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied.

Jim said he believed it was spirits, but I says: no, spirits wouldnt say dern the dern fog.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs one step at a time.

You gwyne to have considerable trouble in yo life, en considerable joy. Sometimes you gwyne to git hurt, en sometimes you gwyne to git sick; but every time yous gwyne to git well agin.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.

Drag your thoughts awayfrom your troubles...by the ears, by the heels,or any other way you can manage it.

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white mans notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.

My kind of loyalty was loyalty to ones country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death.

There are two kinds of patriotism -- monarchical patriotism and republican patriotism. In the one case the government and the king may rightfully furnish you their notions of patriotism; in the other, neither the government nor the entire nation is privileged to dictate to any individual what the form of his patriotism shall be. The gospel of the monarchical patriotism is: The King can do no wrong. We have adopted it with all its servility, with an unimportant change in the wording: Our country, right or wrong! We have thrown away the most valuable asset we had:-- the individuals right to oppose both flag and country when he (just he, by himself) believed them to be in the wrong. We have thrown it away; and with it all that was really respectable about that grotesque and laughable word, Patriotism.

To be a patriot, one had to say, and keep on saying, Our Country, right or wrong, and urge on the little war. Have you not perceived that that phrase is an insult to the nation?

Man is the only Patriot. He sets himself apart in his own country, under his own flag, and sneers at the other nations, and keeps multitudinous uniformed assassins on hand at heavy expense to grab slices of other peoples countries, and keep them from grabbing slices of his. And in the intervals between campaigns, he washes the blood off his hands and works for the universal brotherhood of man, with his mouth.