Quotes by Lois Greiman

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

In my opinion, kissing a ladys hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.

Some people say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.

I dont need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.

Maybe money cant buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and thats close enough for me.

Hes an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.

Jealousy. Its a terrible thing. Unless its someone elses.

Itd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldnt smack him in the head every once in a while.

Its not who you know, its who you sleep with.

Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.

Todays problems are yesterdays mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.

Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.

Just when you think you have life by the tail, its likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.

There is no greater hell than realizing youre in love with the guy you hate.

You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart.

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where theres a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage.

The theory of relativity doesnt amount to a hill of beans when theres a bonfire in your shorts.

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

Just remember this, Missy, escargot aint nothin but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit whats under their skin anyway?