Quotes by Karl Pilkington

I think people would live a bit longer if they didnt know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

It wouldnt happen... There hasnt been one publication by a monkey

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I cant relate to it. I think most people got into cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isnt required as much.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, Im getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, cos if Im not, I have no idea who Im paying for.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. Its nowt to do with the icebergs melting, its because theres too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin loudly goin on about oh the babys lovely. They said its got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesnt sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin it sounds like a frog. But I thought I dont know her, theres only so much you can say to a stranger. I dont know what kept me from sayin it.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

A dog has got human eyes.

I could eat a knob at night.

I thought the fart was a human thing. Its something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though.

I’d heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn’t think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.

Its interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didnt have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - its only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!

I dont really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

A block of blood should not have the word cake after it...they might as well say shite gateau

How would I know which one I was?