Quotes by Jon Stewart

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

“Why cant they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, Whod you call a faggot?”

“Ive been to Canada, and Ive always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”

“I feel your scorn and I accept it.”

“Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.”

“Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because its cool, because its not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.”

“There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on Friends is.”

“I always knew I shouldnt have said that.”

“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Dont eat pork.Im sorry, what was that last one?? Dont eat pork. God has spoken.Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?”

“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.”

“The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlies Angles because its offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.”

“You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.”

“Im not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.”

“Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting. Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.”

“Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be Irish-smart.”

“Heres the point - youre looking at affirmative action, and youre looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, whos gonna wanna work?”

“It may be that we are puppets-puppets controlled by the strings of society. But at least we are puppets with perception, with awareness. And perhaps our awareness is the first step to our liberation.”

“GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerrys wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who — as we all know — before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.”

“Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.”

“Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response.”