Quotes by Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

Religion. Its given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Churchs Fried Chicken is a church.

Ive been to Canada, and Ive always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, its that the terrorists can attack us, but they cant take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a Peanuts character.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Thomas Jefferson once said: Of course the people dont want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them theyre being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country. I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, youve gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

Its not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. Its that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurses office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

No one is better at not beating America than England.