Quotes by Jay Leno

“Heres something to think about: How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery?”

“I went into a McDonalds yesterday and said, Id like some fries. The girl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that?”

“You cant stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”

“According to this weeks Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently he likes working out because it clears his mind. Sometimes it works a little too well.”

“For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.”

“War continues in Iraq. Theyre calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells OIL.”

“Bush is smart. I dont think that Bush will ever be impeached, cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldnt you believe him?”

“Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.”

“Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.”

“I dont understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”

“I feel bad for people who die on Valentines Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?”

“Valentines Day is a masochistic holiday. If youre in a relationship, then this is the one day youre supposed to say I love you, and send gifts to ensure that it means more than the other 364 days of the year; and if youre single, you feel misera”

“Oh, if it be to choose and call thee mine, love, thou art every day my Valentine!”

“President Bush said its now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.”

“Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether its appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?”

“Iraq began destroying those missiles they dont have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.”

“Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you dont need the popular vote to win.”

“The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.”

“Numb is the new deep, done with the old me, and talk is the same cheap its been.”

“Hello lamp post, what ya knowin? I come to watch your flowers growin. Aint you got no rhymes for me? do do do do... feelin groovy.”