Quotes by Jay Leno

“It is better to reenter hell and become an angel, than to remain in heaven and become a demon.”

“Of course with John McCain out of the race, George W. Bush has to pick a running mate. Which is kind of a scary proposition when you think about it. I mean his dad picked Dan Quayle, an he isnt as smart as his dad.”

“John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that Im going to win.”

“The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They dont want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, theyll just be known as the Bullets.”

“Im not comparing Bush to Adolf Hitler - because George Bush, for one thing, is not as smart as Adolf Hitler.”

“The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.”

“And remember, this was a president [George W. Bush] who was selected by the Supreme Court rather than the people.”

“Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, Psst. Thats the Secret Service.”

“There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.”

“CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because shes strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”

“America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why: you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds. Hey, whats this? A Pepsi ad? Theyre ruining the integrity of the Internet!”

“Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didnt evolve for another million years. Theyre afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?”

“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”

“Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It’s like having a little pet for your face.”

“You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman is plucking your eyebrows. Thats how I originally got pierced ears.”

“Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the worlds perfect food.”

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides,flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from oneend to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terroristattacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out ofthe Pledge of Allegiance?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasnt for any religious reasons. They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

New Years Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because shes strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.