Quotes by Henry Youngman

“If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“Ive got all the money Ill ever need; if I die by four Oclock”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman wholl give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means youre in the wrong house, thats what it means.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

“If at first you dont succeed... So much for skydiving.”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“Ive been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, shell kill me.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport”

“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesnt need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time thats not so bad; but New York City?”

“I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.”

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back”

“When God sneezed, I didnt know what to say”

“Whats the use of happiness? It cant buy you money.”

“You cant buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”

“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”