Quotes by Henny Youngman

“Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami. She said, We cant do that! I told her, You did it last week!”

“If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.”

“A doctor has a stethoscope up to a mans chest. The man asks Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says Thats what puzzles me!”

“Doctor says to a man Youre pregnant! The man says How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner....”

“A woman says to a man, I havent seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So youre single….”

“Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Theyre worth it.”

“My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, its feet first!”

“There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.”

“My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.”

“Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.”

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman wholl give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means youre in the wrong house, thats what it means.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

You cant buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

I know what Im giving up for Lent: my New Years resolutions.

I dont fly on account of my religion. Im a devout coward.

Dont move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.