Quotes by Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Whats the use of happiness? It cant buy you money.

If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, hes Frank and in Chicago hes Ernest.

Ive been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, shell kill me.

When God sneezed, I didnt know what to say.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

When I told my doctor I couldnt afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Shes been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

If at first you dont succeed... so much for skydiving.

Ive got all the money Ill ever need, if I die by four oclock.

I know a man who doesnt pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time thats not so bad but New York City?