Quotes by Garrison Keillor

When you wage war on the public schools, youre attacking the mortar that holds the community together. Youre not a conservative, youre a vandal.

A book is a gift you can open again and again.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- Theres nothing wrong with them, but its hard to stop thinking about.

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.

Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week.

Dont worry about the past and dont try to figure out the future

The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.

What would people think?Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. Thats why you have to look at the heart.Oh, said Grandpa.

Thats the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

I ran a constant low fever waiting for my ride to come and take me away to something finer. I lay in bed at night, watching the red beacon on top of the water tower, a clear signal to me of the beauty and mystery of a life that waited for me far away, and thought of Housmans poem,Loveliest of trees, the cherry nowIs hung with bloom upon the bough.It stands among the woodland ride,Wearing white for Eastertide.Now, of my three-score years and ten,Twenty will not come again...and would have run away to where people would appreciate me, had I known of such a place, had I thought my parents would understand. But if I had said, Along the woodland I must go to see the cherry hung with snow, they would have said, Oh,no, you dont. Youre going to stay right here and finish up what I told you to do three hours ago. Besides, those arent cherry trees, those are crab apples.

The Union is what needs defending this year. Government of Enron and by Halliburton and for the Southern Baptists is not the same as what Lincoln spoke of. This gang of Republicans has humbugged us to death on terrorism and tax cuts for the comfy and school prayer and flag burning and claimed the right to know what books we read and to dump their sewage upstream from the rest of us and clear-cut the forests and gut the IRS and promote the corporate takeover of the public airwaves and to hell with anybody who opposes them.

You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that its compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything.

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize Im going to miss mine by just a few days.

A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about you write a whole book.

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isnt funny. Its a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then its not a surprise anymore.