Quotes by Garrison Keillor

“Ninety-eight percent of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other 2% have to generate their own sex and violence.”

“During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.”

“I have a great diet. Youre allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.”

“If ignorance paid dividends most Americans could make a fortune out of what they dont know about economics”

“Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.”

“Its a shallow life that doesnt give a person a few scars.”

“I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.”

“Be well, do good work, and keep in touch”

“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, hes stuck with so many bad actors who dont know how to play funny.”

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

When in doubt, look intelligent.

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

I can see how I could write a bold account of myself as a passionate man who rose from humble beginnings to cut a wide swath in the world, whose crimes along the way might be written off to extravagance and love and art, and could even almost believe some of it myself on certain days after the sun went down if I’d had a snort or two and was in Los Angeles and it was February and I was twenty-four, but I find a truer account in the Herald-Star, where it says: “Mr. Gary Keillor visited at the home of Al and Florence Crandall on Monday and after lunch returned to St. Paul, where he is currently employed in the radio show business… Lunch was fried chicken with gravy and creamed peas”.

And then I stand in front of Gods Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey magazine with pictures of naked girls in it. How juvenile! I gave geese more sense than that.Please, God. Im only fourteen years old. A teenager. Have mercy. Be loving.I was, says God. For eons. And look at what it got me. You.God turns in disgust, just the way Daddy does. Sorry, but Im the Creator. I take it personally. There are slugs and bugs and night-crawlers I feel better about having created - I mean, there are sparrows - Ive got my eye on one right now. Is that sparrow consumed with lust? No. He mates in the spring and thats the end of it. Consider the lilies. Do they think about lily tits all the time? No. They look not and they lust not, and yet I say unto you that you will never be half as attractive as they. Therefore, I say unto you, think not about peckers and boobs and all that nonsense and your Heavenly Father will see that you meet a good woman and marry her, just as I do for the sparrow and walleye - yea verily, even the night-crawler and the eelpout. But Ive told you this over and over for nineteen centuries. And now, verily, its too late. Times up, buster. Lights out! Games over!

A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.

Just because were fictional characters doesnt mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon

I used to think that kid might become a preacher. Now I dont see how hes going to stay out of prison. Nobody in this family ever went to prison for sex crimes. Hed be the first.Yes, says Jesus, you never know about these things.He and Grandpa are drinking cups of coffee and eating ginger snaps. Grandpa says, When are you planning to return to earth?Soon as I finish this coffee, say Jesus. Pretty good, isnt it.