Quotes by Fred Allen

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

I dont have to look up my family tree, because I know that Im the sap.

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. Theyre afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lovers lane holding his own hand.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.