Quotes by Finley Peter Dunne

Whin annything was wrote about a man 'twas put this way: 'We undhershtand on good authority that M--l--chi H---y, Esquire, is on thrile before Judge G----n on an accusation iv l--c--ny. But we don't think it's true.' Nowadays th' larceny is discovered be a newspa-aper. Th' lead pipe is dug up in ye'er back yard be a rayporther who knew it was there because he helped ye bury it. A man knocks at ye'er dure arly wan mornin' an' ye answer in ye'er nighty. 'In th' name iv th' law, I arrist ye,' says th' man seizin' ye be th' throat. 'Who ar-re ye?' ye cry. 'I'm a rayporther f'r th' Daily Slooth,' says he. 'Phottygrafter, do ye'er jooty!' Ye're hauled off in th' circylation wagon to th' newspaper office, where a con-fission is ready f'r ye to sign; ye're thried be a jury iv th' staff, sintinced be th' iditor-in-chief an' at tin o'clock Friday th' fatal thrap is sprung be th' fatal thrapper iv th' fam'ly journal. "Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, conthrols th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward. They ain't annything it don't turn its hand to fr'm explaining th' docthrine iv thransubstantiation to composin' saleratus biskit. Ye can get anny kind iv information ye want to in ye'er fav'rite newspaper about ye'ersilf or annywan else. What th' Czar whispered to th' Imp'ror Willum whin they were alone, how to make a silk hat out iv a wire matthress, how to settle th' coal sthrike, who to marry, how to get on with ye'er wife whin ye're married, what to feed th' babies, what doctor to call whin ye've fed thim as directed,--all iv that ye'll find in th' pa-apers. "They used to say a man's life was a closed book. So it is but it's an open newspaper. Th' eye iv th' press is on ye befure ye begin to take notice. Th' iditor obsarves th' stork hoverin' over th' roof iv 2978 1/2 B Ar-rchey Road an' th' article he writes about it has a wink in it. 'Son an' heir arrives f'r th' Hon'rable Malachi Hinnissy,' says th' pa-aper befure ye've finished th' dhrink with th' doctor.

* * * * * People tell me to be frank, but how can I be whin I don't dare to know mesilf? * * * * * People that talk loud an' offind ye with their insolence are usu'lly shy men thryin' to get over their shyness. 'Tis th' quite, resarved, ca'm spoken man that's mashed on himsilf. * * * * * If men cud on'y enjye th' wealth an' position th' newspapers give thim whin they're undher arrest! Don't anny but prominent clubman iver elope or embezzle? * * * * * Miditation is a gift con-fined to unknown philosophers an' cows. Others don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write. * * * * * A good manny people r-read th' ol' sayin' "Larceny is th' sincerest form iv flatthry." * * * * * Tis a good thing th' fun'ral sermons ar-re not composed in th' confissional. * * * * * Most vigitaryans I iver see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannybals. * * * * * I don't see why anny man who believes in medicine wud shy at th' faith cure. * * * * * Miracles are laughed at be a nation that r-reads thirty millyon newspapers a day an' supports Wall sthreet. * * * * * All men are br-rave in comp'ny an' cow'rds alone, but some shows it clearer thin others. * * * * * I'd like to tell me frind Tiddy that they'se a strenuse life an' a sthrenuseless life. * * * * * I'd like to've been ar-round in th' times th' historical novelists writes about--but I wudden't like to be in th' life insurance business. * * * * * I wondher why porthrait painters look down on phrenologists. * * * * * Di-plomacy is a continyual game iv duck on th' rock--with France th' duck. * * * * * Whin we think we're makin' a gr-reat hit with th' wurruld we don't know what our own wives thinks iv us.