Quotes by Finley Peter Dunne

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

A mans idee in a card game is war- crool devastatin and pitiless. A ladys idee iv it is a combynation iv larceny embezzlement an burglary.

Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Opportunity knocks at every mans door once. On some mens door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if hes asleep and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.

Whin a man gets to be my age he ducks political meetins an reads th papers an weighs th ividence an th argymints - pro-argymints an con-argymints an makes up his mind camly an votes th Dimmycratic Ticket.

The time is comin whin not more thin hath iv usll be rale an th restll be rubber (plastic!)

A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an cracks in th wall to support belief but they run away frm doubt.

Th prisidincy is th highest office in th gift iv th people. Th vice-prisidincy is th next highest an the lowest. It isnt a crime exactly. Ye cant be sint to jail f r it but its a kind iv a disgrace.

Vice goes a long way towrd makin life bearable. A little vice now an thin is relished by th best iv men.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

The past always looks better than it was. Its only pleasant because it isnt here.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: Theyre too considerate to get married.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

There are no friends at cards or world politics.

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.