Quotes by Craig Ferguson

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.

I didnt flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, Im telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

Im gonna enjoy being old I think Ill be awesome at it.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

114 isnt as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

I dont think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970s. Thats when I discovered it anyway.

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

When in doubt about whos to blame. Blame the English.

If I start giving people what they like Ill turn into one of them and I dont want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

I told her that I didnt want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. Listen, she said, not unkindly, up until now I would say that ninety-nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didnt know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?I nodded.Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didnt care. They wanted your money. I dont care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind ... Take the fucking drugs!I took the drugs.

From this moment on Id dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.