Quotes by Chris Rock

“Prohibition? HA! They tried that in the movies and it didnt work”

“A white boy that makes Cs in College can make it to the White House”

“Aw, man, they gave em the Oscar on stage. Next theyre gonna give the Oscars in the parking lot. Itll be like a drive-through Oscar lane. You get an Oscar and a McFlurry and keep on moving.”

“And Ni***rs, take credit for things youre supposed to do. Things any other guy would normally do. [Proudly] I take care of my kids... Thats what youre supposed to do!”

“Imperial Soldier: Oh... I... Oh.Imperial Commander: What is it lieutenant Sebastian?Imperial Soldier: Its the rebels, sir... theyre here.Imperial Commander: My god man! Do they want tea?Imperial Soldier: No, I think they want something more then that, sir. I dont know what it is, but they brought a flag.”

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the Americas Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesnt want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colin. Need I say more?

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like its your last. Bullshit. Life is long. Youre probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And youre gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldnt have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like I believe you got my property.

I dont get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now theres no rehab for stupidity.

Women need food, water, and complimentsThats right.And an occasional pair of shoes.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Yeah, I love being famous. Its almost like being white, yknow?

Men are as faithful as their options.

Men lie the most,women tell the biggest lies.

We got so much food in America were allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people aint allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwandas got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

You got a gun, you dont have to work out.

If a woman tells you shes twenty and looks sixteen, shes twelve. If she tells you shes twenty-six and looks twenty-six, shes damn near forty.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everyone else.

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasnt been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.