Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

Marriage n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master a mistress and two slaves making in all two.

Philanthropist: a rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of ones voice.

Painting n: the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Peace: in international affairs a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Responsibility n: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God Fate Fortune Luck or ones neighbour. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.

Commendation n: the tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble but do not equal our own.

Pray v: to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Heathen n. A beknighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.

Infidel n: in New York one who does not believe in the Christian religion in Constantinople one who does.

Apologize v: to lay the foundation for a future offence.

Perseverance n.: A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves a glorious success.

Achievement: The death of an endeavor and the birth of disgust.

Women and foxes being weak are distinguished by superior tact.

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another mans resemblance to ourselves.

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.