Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

“You do not own a dog, the dog owns you”

“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

“From a dogs point of view his master is an elongated and abnormally cunning dog.”

“MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.”

“The future is that period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.”

“Mythology: the body of a primitive peoples beliefs, concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later”

“FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.”

“PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of mans brief rapacity and long indifference.”

“DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of ones life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom and of wit. So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, Erased all entries of his own and cried:Ill judge you by your diary. Said Hearst:Thank you; twill show you I am Saint the First -- Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly turned the pages oer, Each stupid line of which he knew before, Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.My friend, youve wandered from your proper track: Youd never be content this side the tomb -- For big ideas Heaven has little room, And Hells no latitude for making mirth, He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. --The Mad Philosopher”

“Deliberation, n.: The act of examining ones bread to determine which side it is buttered on.”

“Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”

“What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.”

“FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but afterward returned. He had seen the abduction been in pursuit of the fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers that so great is the fairies power of transformation that he saw one change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was made which prescribed the death penalty for Kyllynge, wowndynge, or mamynge a fairy, and it was universally respected.”

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

You dont have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.