Quotes by Terry Pratchett

Or -- and this she knew was a far more accurate way of looking at it -- the book was true and reality was lying.

Reality so often fails when it comes to small, satisfying details, she thought.

Just because something is a metaphor doesnt mean it cant be real.

Positive thinking, he would say, is also very important.

Hed noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: it fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were really hungry they created vast banquets in their imagination - but at the end of the day theyd settle quite happily for egg and chips. If it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato.

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm. At the time this was the last thing on my mind...

You know, I never imagined there were he-dryads. Not even in an oak tree.One of the giants grinned at him.Druellae snorted. Stupid! Where do you think acorns come from?

The Dean leaned toward an ear.“I was saying,” he said loudly, “that we didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘sex’ when we were young.”“That’s true. That’s very true,” said Poons. He stared reflectively at the flames. “Did we ever, mm, find out, do you remember?

Joy is to fun what the deep sea is to a puddle. It’s a feeling inside that can hardly be contained.

The first question they ask is: Why was he eternally surprised?And they were told: Wen considered the nature of time and understood the universe is, instant by instant, re-created anew. Therefore, he understood, there is, in truth, no Past, only a memory of the Past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore, he said, the only appropriate state of mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.

Yes, but nomes aren’t hard to make,” said Dorcas. “You just need other nomes.” “You’re weird.

Granny, said Esk, in the exasperated and remarkably adult voice children use to berate their wayward elders. I dont think you quite understand. I dont want to hit the ground. Its never done anything to me.

As far as she could see, children mostly argued, shouted, ran around very fast, laughed loudly, picked their noses, got dirty and sulked.

Magrat liked to think she was good with children, and worried that she wasn’t. She didn’t like them very much, and worried about this too. Nanny Ogg seemed to be effortlessly good with children by alternately and randomly giving them either a sweet or a thick ear, while Granny Weatherwax ignored them for most of the time and that seemed to work just as well.

Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.

Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it could accommodate three football fields and a bowling alley.

For her next birthday shed asked for a telescope. Her mother had been alive then, and had suggested a pony, but her father had laughed and bought her a beautiful telescope, saying: Of course she should watch the stars! Any girl who cannot identify the constellation of Orion just isnt paying attention! And when she started asking him complicated questions, he took her along to lectures at the Royal Society, where it turned out that a nine-year-old girl who had blond hair and knew what the precession of the equinoxes was could ask hugely bearded famous scientists anything she liked. Whod want a pony when you could have the whole universe?

You can be any sex you like provided you act male. Theres no men and women in the Watch, just a bunch of lads.

Miss Dearheart gave him a very brief look, and shook her head. There was movement under the table, a small fleshy kind of noise and the drunk suddenly bent forward, colour draining from his face. Probably only he and Moist heard Miss Dearheart purr: ‘What is sticking in your foot is a Mitzy “Pretty Lucretia” four-inch heel, the most dangerous footwear in the world. Considered as pounds per square inch, it’s like being trodden on by a very pointy elephant. Now, I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking, “Could she press it all the way through to the floor?” And, you know, I’m not sure about that myself. The sole of your boot might give me a bit of trouble, but nothing else will. But that’s not the worrying part. The worrying part is that I was forced practically at knifepoint to take ballet lessons as a child, which means I can kick like a mule; you are sitting in front of me; and I have another shoe . Good, I can see you have worked that out. I’m going to withdraw the heel now.’There was a small ‘pop’ from under the table. With great care the man stood up, turned and, without a backward glance, lurched unsteadily away.‘Can I bother you?’ said Moist. Miss Dearheart nodded, and he sat down, with his legs crossed. ‘He was only a drunk,’ he ventured.‘Yes, men say that sort of thing,’ said Miss Dearheart.

I believe you find life such a problem because you think there are good people and bad people. Youre wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides.