Quotes by Stan Tatkin

When we enter into a relationship, we want to matter to our partner, to be visible and important....We want to know our efforts are noticed and appreciated. We want to know our relationship is regarded as important by our partner and will not be relegated to second or third place because of a competing person, task, or thing.

Fears and expectations that date back to earlier experiences of dependency, but that didnt arise during courtship or dating, are activated as commitment to the relationship increases. As a result, partners start to anticipate the worst, not the best from their relationship.

Devote yourself to your partners sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you. Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure.

The couple bubble is an agreement to put the relationship before anything and everything else. It means putting your partners well-being, self-esteem and distress relief first. And it means your partner does the same for you. You both agree to do it for each other. Therefore, you say to each other, We come first. In this way, you cement your relationship. It is like making a pact or taking a vow, or like reinforcing a vow you already took with one another.

Couples in distress too often turn to solutions that can be summed up by You do your thing and Ill do my thing or You take care of yourself and Ill take care of myself. We hear pop psychology pronouncements such as Im not ready to be in a relationship and You have to love yourself before anyone can love you.Is any of this true? Is it really possible to love yourself before someone ever loves you?Think about it. How could this be true? If it were true, babies would come into this world already self-loving or self-hating. And we know they dont. In fact, human beings dont start by thinking anything about themselves, good or bad. We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us.