Quotes by Sarah Silverman

“I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.”

“I dont set out to offend or shock, but I also dont do anything to avoid it.”

“It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.”

“People need to feel like theyre not being attacked, like theyre in a safe space where no punches are being pulled.”

“Theyve got great parents; Im just trying to be the fun uncle.”

“I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.”

“I always want to laugh at the sad stuff. You dont need to laugh at the other stuff. Im not numb to these things. I still go into really dark periods about Sept. 11. I think its kind of like bullies. Bullies are just scared and thin-skinned, so they have to become bullies as a kind of survival tactic. I think comics are that way, too.”

“I think thats always how its been, ... I certainly didnt invent it. Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, theyre the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that theyre the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?”

“Oh, this sounds so obnoxious, ... Im not planning anything out. Im just trying to be funny. I dont think any of its particularly deep. Its just what interests me.”

“Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.”

Mother Teresa didnt walk around complaining about her thighs -- she had shit to do.

My stepfather, John OHara, was the goodest man there was. He was not a man of many words, but of carefully chosen ones. He was the one parent who didnt try to fix me. One night I sat on his lap in his chair by the woodstove, sobbing. He just held me quietly and then asked only, What does it feel like? It was the first time I was prompted to articulate it. I thought about it, then said, I feel homesick. That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.

Nothing seems crazy when youre used to it.

I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.

Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!

To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so completely interbred that humanity will have a monolithic caramelish color and common facial features. There wont be blonds or hairy Jews anymore.Words like Chink will cease to have meaning. They will be relics, along with those who use them for comedy. Which is exactly why I am past that meta-racist shit and onto poop and pee. Onward and downward!

Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.

Its not cold in here, youre just dying.

I have very vivid dreams - almost always action-adventure. Im often on the run. Ive always had dreams. When I was little, Id go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists like I was looking through a camera. I felt like sleep was the movies - just drifting off to the movies.

Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesnt. It focuses on facts.