Quotes by Ron White

“[Theres a] secret story ... They call me Tater Salad.”

“As a woman grows older, you can give her a [tummy-tuck], you can give her LASIK if her vision goes bad and you can give her a hearing aid. But you cant cure stupid,”

“Drunk in Public Tour.”

“Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks”

“Like a lot of Iowans, I have to drive just to meet basic needs, ... Am I going to drive into town for a loaf of bread and a half gallon of milk or am going into town to play cards with friends? Probably not. So its definitely fewer trips.”

“I believe if life gives you lemons make lemonade…then find someone that life gave vodka to and have a party.”

“I think the big question is how much more expensive it will make the wine. The real test of it is once its produced and on the shelf, what are people willing to pay?”

“Its not like driving the freeways of California. Its dog-eat-dog out here. You have to have water and food and be ready for most anything to happen.”

“Thats the other guy, ... Im more of a shut-r-down kind of guy.”

“I hope youve enjoyed some of the new stuff tonight as well as some of the old stuff, ... Ill never forget this night as long as I live.”

I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didnt have the ability.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone whos life is givin them vodka and have a party!

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

Theres no idea or concept in comedy you could do that hasnt been attacked from some angle. But if you start leaving punchlines out so youll look cool, I dont get that. But I dont watch standup anyway, so I dont know what theyre doing.

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. It just takes a little effort.

If you become famous and dont have a live show to back it up, theyre not going to pay you any money.

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

I dont like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because thats the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I dont do a ton of it.