Quotes by Rick Mercer

“America is not an elephant. For one thing, elephants never forget, whereas Americans dont really know much to begin with. Ninety per cent of them cant pick out their hometown on an unmarked map...Were bigger than they are and were on top. If we were in prison, theyd be our bitch.”

“If the United States were a 35-year-old man, I think hed be in a mental institution. Violent tendencies - delusions of grandeur - medicate heavily.”

“In the United States I have always believed that there was a big difference between Conservative and stupid. Boy is it getting harder to prove that one by the minute.”

“We demand that the government of Canada force Stockwell Day to change his first name to Doris. Why do this, you may ask? Because itll be fun.”

“Health Canada reports that the infection rate for chlamydia in Saskatoon is twice the national average, making it the chlamydia capital of Canada. Montreal has vowed to get their title back.”

“Heres to democracy. May we get the government we deserve.”

Heres to democracy. May we get the government we deserve.

On my job I end up jumping out of planes. Last week I got in an 18-wheeler and drove down a runway onto a skid track. The week before that they put me in a car and sunk me to the bottom of a lake to see if I could escape without an oxygen tank.