Quotes by Ogden Nash

“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.”

“People are divided into two groups the righteous and the unrighteous and the righteous do the dividing”

“Time goes by fast, and people go in and out of your life so quickly, so you should never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you”

“The Masses are Asses”

“To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever youre wrong, admit it; Whenever youre right, shut up”

“Do you think my mind is maturing late,Or simply rotted early?”

“There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, And that is to have either a clear conscience, or none at all”

“If you dont want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you wont have to work”

“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.”

“Certainly there are things in life that money cant buy, but its very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?”

“The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.”

“When I look at you every aged phrase is new, and there are moments when it seems I’ve married one of Shakespeare’s dreams.”

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever youre wrong, admit it; whenever youre right, shut up.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one thats both is dental.

Higgledy piggledy, my black hen,She lays eggs for gentlemen.Gentlemen come every dayTo count what my black hen doth lay.If perchance she lays too many,They fine my hen a pretty penny;If perchance she fails to lay,The gentlemen a bonus pay.Mumbledy pumbledy, my red cow,She’s cooperating now.At first she didn’t understandThat milk production must be planned;She didn’t understand at firstShe either had to plan or burst,But now the government reportsShe’s giving pints instead of quarts.Fiddle de dee, my next-door neighbors,They are giggling at their labors.First they plant the tiny seed,Then they water, then they weed,Then they hoe and prune and lop,They they raise a record crop,Then they laugh their sides asunder,And plow the whole caboodle under.Abracadabra, thus we learnThe more you create, the less you earn.The less you earn, the more you’re given,The less you lead, the more you’re driven,The more destroyed, the more they feed,The more you pay, the more they need,The more you earn, the less you keep,And now I lay me down to sleep.I pray the Lord my soul to takeIf the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake.

How do I feel today? I feel as unfit as an unfiddle,And it is the result of a certain turbulence in the mind and an uncertain burbulence in the middle.What was it, anyway, that angry thing that flew at me?I am unused to banshees crying Boo at me.Your wife can’t be a banshee—Or can she?

Which the Chicken and Which the Egg?He drinks because she scolds, he thinks;She thinks she scolds because he drinks;And nether will admit whats true,That hes a sot and shes a shrew.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

If you don’t want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.