Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Im a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someones life.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head aint funny!

Rice is great if youre really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didnt have one. So I got a cake.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when Im upside down.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I dont have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman whod be mad at me for saying that.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming.

Quotes by Mitch Hedberg