Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said I hear music, as though theres any other way to take it in. Youre not special. Thats how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.”

“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If youre going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”

“I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.”

“2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. Thats why 2 was created.”

“When someone hands you a flyer, its like theyre saying here you throw this away.”

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”

“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. Thats way more satisfying...”

“I havent slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. Theres turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”

“Yknow I order a club sandwhich all the time. And Im not even a member. I dont know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but were gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? Im for them.”

“Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I dont do it. One day Im gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. Thats ridiculous, but its true. I always fight with wearing a beret.”

“I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.”

“My roommate says, Im going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.”

“I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I dont relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”

“I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, Id mess with his head. Id say Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here theres nothin. Its just flat.”

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They dont want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”

“My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. Shes an actress, shes just never called to the set.”

“I love blackjack. But Im not addicted to gambling. Im addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”