Quotes by Joseph Heller

Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland.For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city.When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. I really cant believe it, Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. Its a complete reversion to primitive superstition. Theyre confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldnt have to fly that mission tomorrow if someone would only tiptoe up to the map in the middle of the night and move the bomb line over Bologna. Can you imagine? You and I must be the only rational ones left.In the middle of the night Yossarian knocked on wood, crossed his fingers, and tiptoed out of his tent to move the bomb line up over Bologna.

History did not demand Yossarians premature demise, justice could be satisfied without it, progress did not hinge upon it, victory did not depend on it. That men would die was a matter of necessity; WHICH men would die, though, was a matter of circumstance, and Yossarian was willing to be the victim of anything but circumstance. But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents.

They couldnt keep Death out, but while she was in she had to act like a lady.

What the hell are you getting so upset about? he asked her bewilderedly in a tone of contrite amusement. I thought you didnt believe in God.I dont, she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. But the God I dont believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. Hes not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be.

Every writer I know has trouble writing.

Theres nothing mysterious about it, Hes not working at all. Hes playing. Or else Hes forgotten all about us. Thats the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?

The enemy is anybody whos going to get you killed, no matter which side he is on.

It doesnt make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone whos dead.

The enemy, retorted Yossarian with weighted precision, is anybody whos going to get you killed, no matter which side hes on, and that includes Colonel Cathcart. And dont you forget that, because the longer you remember it, the longer you might live.

Major Major never sees anyone in his office while hes in his office.

-You have no respect for excessive authority or obsolete traditions. Youre dangerous and depraved, and you ought to be taken outside and shot!

Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt...

The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped playing chess with him because the games were so interesting they were foolish.

But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clevinger, to the best of his knowledge he had never been wrong.

Colonel Cathcart is our commanding officer and we must obey him. Why dont you fly four more missions and see what happens?I dont want to.Suppose we let you pick your missions and fly milk runs? Major Major said. That way you can fly the four missions and not run any risks.I dont want to fly milk runs. I dont want to be in the war anymore.Would you like to see our country lose? Major Major asked.We wont lose. Weve got more men, more money, and more material. There are ten million men in uniform who could replace me. Some people are getting killed and a lot more are making money and having fun. Let somebody else get killed.But suppose everybody on our side felt that way?Then Id certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way. Wouldnt I?

He found Luciana sitting alone at a table in the Allied officers night club, where the drunken Anzac major who had brought her there had been stupid enough to desert her for the ribald company of some singing comrades at the bar.All right, Ill dance with you, she said, before Yossarian could even speak. But I wont let you sleep with me.Who asked you? Yossarian asked her.You dont want to sleep with me? she exclaimed with surprise.I dont want to dance with you.

Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him.

His heart cracked, and he fell in love. He wondered if she would marry him. “Tu sei pazzo,” she told him with a pleasant laugh. “Why am I crazy?” he asked. “Perché non posso sposare.” “Why can’t you get married?” “Because I am not a virgin,” she answered. “What has that got to do with it?” “Who will marry me? No one wants a girl who is not a virgin.” “I will. I’ll marry you.” “Ma non posso sposarti.” “Why can’t you marry me?” “Perché sei pazzo.” “Why am I crazy?” “Perché vuoi sposarmi.” Yossarian wrinkled his forehead with quizzical amusement. “You won’t marry me because I’m crazy, and you say I’m crazy because I want to marry you? Is that right?” “Si.” “Tu sei pazz’!” he told her loudly. “Perché?” she shouted back at him indignantly, her unavoidable round breasts rising and falling in a saucy huff beneath the pink chemise as she sat up in bed indignantly. “Why am I crazy?” “Because you won’t marry me.” “Stupido!” she shouted back at him, and smacked him loudly and flamboyantly on the chest with the back of her hand. “Non posso sposarti! Non capisci? Non posso sposarti.” “Oh, sure, I understand. And why can’t you marry me?” “Perché sei pazzo!” “And why am I crazy?” “Perché vuoi sposarmi.” “Because I want to marry you. Carina, ti amo,” he explained, and he drew her gently back down to the pillow. “Ti amo molto.” “Tu sei pazzo,” she murmured in reply, flattered. “Perché?” “Because you say you love me. How can you love a girl who is not a virgin?” “Because I can’t marry you.” She bolted right up again in a threatening rage. “Why can’t you marry me?” she demanded, ready to clout him again if he gave an uncomplimentary reply. “Just because I am not a virgin?” “No, no, darling. Because you’re crazy.

Something did happen to me somewhere that robbed me of confidence and courage and left me with a fear of discovery and change and a positive dread of everything unknown that may occur.