Quotes by Joanna Faber

Many children are naturally picky eaters. It may even be genetic, or developmental. But given a range of healthy choices, children will choose a balanced diet—so long as junk food isnt included in the mix. Children are tempted by sweets and fried food just as much as we are.

Theres a world of difference between, Look at this mess you made! and I dont like to see food on the floor!

The point is that we cant behave right when we dont feel right. And kids cant behave right when they dont feel right. If we dont take care of their feelings first, we have little chance of engaging their cooperation. All well have left going for us is our ability to use greater force. And since wed like to reserve brute force for emergencies such as yanking children out of traffic, weve got to face this feelings thing head-on.

As for logical consequences, the logic is highly debatable. If you continually arrive late for my workshop, despite my warning that lateness is unacceptable, I may find it logical to lock you out of my classroom. Or perhaps it would be more logical to keep you locked in after class for the same number of minutes you were late. Or maybe my logic demands that you miss out on the snacks. As you may be starting to suspect, these are not true exercises in logic. Theyre really more of a free association, where we try to think of a way to make the wrongdoer suffer. We hope that the suffering will motivate the offender to do better in the future.

Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time.

Six oclock means very little to a three-year-old. It works better to say after dinner, or as soon as the baby takes her morning nap.

If your child cant resist throwing gravel in the park, in spite of your efforts to offer tempting alternatives, you can say, Im taking you home now. I dont want anyone to get hit by a rock, even a little one. If your child wants to help put pancake batter in the pan, but despite friendly reminders you cant convince him not to jump around at the stove, you can say, I cant cook with you now. Im too worried about burns.” If your child refuses to get in his carseat, I can see the seat belt is uncomfortable. You feel freer without it. I cant take you to your friends house without the belt buckled. Or, I dont want to be late for work. Im buckling you in. I know how much you hate it!

Instead of feeling an urge to fix the problem or make amends, punishment prompts a child to think selfishly. What television shows will she be forced to miss? What dessert will she have to give up? She’s likely to be filled with resentment instead of remorse.

When you have a problem with an adult—say, for example, you have a friend whos always borrowing things and returning them late or broken or not at all—you probably dont think about how you can punish that person. You think about how to respectfully protect yourself. You dont say, Now that youve given me back my jacket with a stain on it, and broken the side mirror off my car, Im going to . . . slap you. That would be assault. Or . . . lock you in your room for an hour. That would be imprisonment. Or . . . take away your smart phone. That would be theft. Youd probably say something like, I dont feel comfortable lending you clothes anymore. I get very upset when they come back damaged. And, I cant lend you my car, which I just got repaired. I need to have it in working condition. In fact, Id appreciate some help with the repair bill!

The beauty of problem-solving is that, unlike punishment, it offers endless possibilities. If youre committed to punishment and your child continues to misbehave, all you can do is punish more severely. You might hit him harder or take away more privileges, but chances are you wont get any closer to your goal of having a cooperative child. And youll create a lot of ill will in the process. With problem-solving, you can always go back and brainstorm some more. When you put your heads together, youre bound to come up with something that will work for both of you.

When there is conflict between us, we dont need to put our energy into fighting each other. We can combine forces to search for a solution that respects the needs of all parties. The child is an active participant in solving his problems. This will stand him in good stead in the years to come.

Big brotherhood is a burden. The first message he needs to hear from you is that you understand. It isnt easy having to share your parents with a smelly baby or a two-year-old pest! The more we try to convince our kids that its not so bad, the harder theyll work to convince us that it is indeed that bad.

We cant give a child a natural consequence. The only truly natural consequences are the ones found in nature.

Why did you throw sand when I just told you not to?What child says, Hmm, why did I? I guess theres no good reason. Thanks for pointing that out. It wont happen again.

The quickest way to change a childs behavior and attitude is to get him involved in fixing his mistake. The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present. A punishment makes him feel bad about himself. Making amends helps him feel good about himself, and helps him to see himself as a person who can do good.

Studies find that kids who are punished are more likely to misbehave in the future. Punishment actually increases the undesired behavior.