Quotes by Jen Lancaster

You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to bite you and threatening to kick them until theyre dead.

If youre anorexic, youre doing it wrong.I swat him with a dish towel. No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if theyre eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. Im a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine.

I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldnt be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. Im perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. Ive figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment.

I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the pretty face bit. Cause I wont mind being reminded Im fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey Im going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a fat bitch. At least it doesnt pull any punches.

I dont care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks wholl break out the sangria just because you need to vent.

When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.

Amen, I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now Ill have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

Maybe Ive moved to the dark side, but its clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.

You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.

Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

Im a humor writer, so I dont always present myself in the best light.

Humors an excellent way to make a point more palatable and/or relatable.

Remember when Japan was cool? We used to run around with Mr. Roboto on our Walkmans, The Karate Kid in our Betamaxes and wore T-shirts embossed with the characters for storm sewer and dishwasher.

When it comes to matters of pro sports, politics or palate, disparate sides claim their party, team and cola to be superior.

Ive always been able to cook Italian food. Thats in my blood because Im half Sicilian.

I realized I couldnt have one foot in the fiction world and one foot in the nonfiction world, which is why Here I Go Again is so not me. I didnt graduate from high school in the 90s, I never listened to metal music, and I dont time travel.

Theres nothing fun about stuff like estate planning, getting mammograms, or talking to a guy about long term disability insurance, but do it anyway. Trust me, the stress of not having done the above is prematurely aging.

My friend created an iPhone app that locates Vienna Beef products across the country. Personally, I came hardwired with an internal GPS that instinctively points me toward coffee shops, cupcake stores and the perfect Chicago-style dog, so I find this technology redundant.

I just thank God my husband and I found each other before the advent of social media. I cant imagine dating someone and seeing what theyre doing on their Facebook page. And people breaking up with each other over texts now? We had to break up with each other face to face back then.