Quotes by Jackie Mason

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”

“Its no longer a question of staying healthy. Its a question of finding a sickness you like.”

“Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant -- even if they wanted to be one?”

“By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?”

“It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.”

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

“[After taking a critical hit in his first non-solo musical venture on Broadway with the short-lived Laughing Room Only, Mason noted the return to his roots.] I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, ... I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me... one Jew talking and thats it.”

“We were going to do it before the hurricane, but decided to wait,”

“The nervousness never lasted more than a second because he was so congenial and comfortable. He made more stars on his show, probably, than anybody in the whole history of show business.”

“Frankly, Im in shock. I just cant believe it...even though I had every reason to expect it.”

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Right now I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I buy something.

You know how many stunning women told me they cant stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isnt gonna cheat.

Ladies and gentlemen you cant please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think shes the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . Thats me . . . But to my wife . . .

Its no longer a question of staying healthy. Its a question of finding a sickness you like.

I dont believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. Its funny because its ridiculous and its ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

Predictions are preposterous.