Quotes by Jack Handy

“The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.”

“If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, Cant you make it shoot farther? No, Im sorry. Thats as far as it shoots.”

“One thing a computer can do that most humans cant is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse”

“If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I dont think it would be a good idea to say, I swallowed it. So sue me.”

“If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, thats all I have to say”

“Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.”

“If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, Id carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like Hey, look. Hes carrying a soldering iron! and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, Thats right, its a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice. Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.”

“If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but thats another weakness”

“A funny thing to do is, if youre out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him youre going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about whos going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. Thats why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school wed all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasnt until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

“I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.”

“I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.”

“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared”

“I hate it when people say somebody has a speech impediment, even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a speech improvement, and I go up to the guy and say, Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement. I think this makes him feel better.”

“Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them impressions, and if you got a different impression, so what, cant we all be brothers?”

“I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because Id like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.”

“If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.”

“Id like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals”

“I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, Id have all my money back.”

“I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that Id just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.”