Quotes by George Burns

“I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.”

“How can I die? Im booked.”

“Nice to be here? At my age its nice to be anywhere.”

“I cant afford to die; Id lose too much money.”

“Look to the future, because that is where youll spend the rest of your life.”

“Id rather be a failure at something I enjoyed than be a success at something I hate.”

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”

“When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and Im labeled senile.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

“People are always asking me when Im going to retire. Why should I? Ive got it two ways -- Im still making movies, and Im a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.”

Dont stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Money is the root of all evil. Then we hear, A fool and his money are soon parted. What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldnt it be, A wise man and his money are soon parted? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they wont tell me how they got it, and I wont tell them.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.

Id rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

There isnt a thing I cant do now that I didnt do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (Thats a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh Im not going to let the truth interfere with it.)