Quotes by Eddie Izzard

“I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, “Oh, my God! What haven’t I…? Rwanda! I better create Rwanda! Sorry, haven’t quite done that… The Tower of Pisa! Oh, it’s leaning… Oh, shi… done! Toilets in French camping sites… there we go. English football hooligans… there we go, whatever that is… Mrs. Thatcher’s heart… there we go… oh, fuck that! I know, I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work! There we go…”The next week, I think, people are coming back, going, “Rwanda doesn’t work very well; infrastructure’s fucked.””

“Im a one-man idiot”

“But with dogs, we do have �bad dog.� Bad dog exists. �Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!� The dog is saying, �Who are you to judge me? You human beings who�ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!��Well, if you put it that way, I think you�ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.�”

“And the National Rifle Association says that, Guns dont kill people, people do,� but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, Bang! Thats not going to kill too many people, is it? Youd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that�”

“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little na�ve, I feel!”

“PiAno,piAnoIts not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person.”

“Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.”

“We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in. - I claim India for Britain!They go, - You cant claim us, we live here! 500 million of us!- Do you have a flag?- We dont need a bloody flag! Its our country, you bastards!- No flag, no country, you cant have one! Thats the rules that Ive just made up, and Im backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Association.”

“Everyone fucking lies! When we were kids, we lied our heads off! -I didnt do it! I was… I wasnt… I was dead at the time! I was on the Moon! With Steve!”

“You say erbs, and we say Herbs because theres a f*****g H in it!”

“Itd be fantabulous”

“Theres something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and its fucking amazing! And its born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing!”

“But puberty was… well, before puberty, at school, I didnt tell kids I was a transvestite ‘cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?”

“I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? Thats it.”

“The reasoning man who scorns the prejudices of simpletons necessarily becomes the enemy of simpletons; he must expect as much, and laugh at the inevitable.”

“When men stop believing in God, it isnt that they then believe in nothing: they believe in everything.”

“You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I cant even get down the gym!”

“Man: Vicar, I have done many bad thingsVicar: Well so have IMan: Well, what should I do?Vicar: Well, drink four Bloody Marys and you wont remember.”

“[Mock singing] “And shall my sword sleep in my hand…” [Speaking] “NOT a good idea, you’re gonna roll over and cut your bits off.””

“It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. That’s Renaissance, FRENCH for ‘re-birth’. Re-nais-sance. And that’s why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of Fr…Italy.”