Quotes by Eddie Izzard

“If youve never seen an elephant ski, youve never been on acid.”

“But then the Roman Empire fell like this- oh shit. And we went intowhat the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyonewas going -er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it? Thenthere was the dark Ages. I cant even see you! Where are you?”

“I wanna live til I die, no more, no less.”

“I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”

“Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So youre just noticing members of the sex: Girls girls, ooo. Naturally you want to look your best, and God says No! You will look the worst youve ever looked in your life!”

“‘Cause, Cake or death? Thats a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.Cake or death?Eh, cake please.Very well! Give him cake!Oh, thanks very much. Its very nice.You! Cake or death?“Uh, cake for me, too, please.Very well! Give him cake, too! Were gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry...You said death first, uh-uh, death first!Well, I meant cake!Oh, all right. Youre lucky Im Church of England! Cake or death?”

“I cant get the fuckin trees, DAMN I will kill everyone in the world!”

“So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.”

“You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...”

“And they always find in archeology “a series of small walls.” Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. “We’ve found a series of small walls, we’re very excited… I think this proves they had walls in olden days. They were very small, and… a series of small wall people.” And then someone comes along, very learned, with glasses, “Of course, the king and queen entertained here… 1,500 courtiers, and there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants dancing hopscotch over there… A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks and aqueducts into a heater…” And you’re just watching, and going, “You’re making this up, mate! You’re just pointing at a series of small walls, going, ‘there, there… Tutankhamen playing banjo in there…’ Don’t know if it’s true.””

“And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. (mimes stuffing an animal) I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.””

“There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.””

“Im an Action Transvestite”

“We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…””

“you know, god should have grabbed a scribers arm and made him write but before that they were a bit crap so... fuck em”

“You piss me off you Salmon... Youre too expensive in restaurants.”

“So my choice is Or Death?.”

“Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And were sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we wont stand for that, will we?”

“Did I leave the gas on? No! No, Im a fuckin squirrel!”

“Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”“Fido looks a bit weird.””