Quotes by Dylan Moran

People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: Be realistic! (2009)]

I dont do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when Im not expecting it.

Dont do it! Stay away from your potential. Youll mess it up, its potential, leave it. Anyway, its like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

And Im not saying its a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All Im saying is that if you get, I dont know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. Thats all Im saying.

A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand!

People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: Be realis

He looks like a horse in a man costume!

People will kill you over time. And how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like ‘be realistic’.

Or that other bullshit, I need more space. People never quantify exactly how much space they need, but strangely enough it always seems to be the exact same height, depth, and breadth as you.

The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isnt really a drink, its more a mascara thinner. Nobody likes my shoes! I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said Thank you. And my favourite: Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me.

The terror of failure can make you feel like a failure. So a bunch of people think youre not very good at your thing. How much do you invest in what they say? How much do you care? Failure is not putting yourself on the line.

Im actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

Im just a guy who happens to work in public from time to time. Ive built a reputation as an established comic, not as a celebrity - a celebrity is someone who is famous but doesnt do anything.

I dont want to do panel games or adverts. I really like challenges. I always get roles as an art teacher or a photographer. In the future I want to play something like a mugger/assassin/pastry chef.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust; key stuff - a perilous loss.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say Youre funny, but also Youre pathetic - go away.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I dont know that youre able to measure your aggregate wisdom as you go through life. I cant say that I ever feel that Im sitting on top of a growing mound of wisdom.