Quotes by Drew Magary

She crossed her legs and kicked out her feet, clad in thick wool socks and boots big enough to house a little old lady.

Were constantly judging and grading other parents, just to make sure that they arent any better than us. Im as guilty as anyone. I see some lady hand her kid a Nintendo DS at the supermarket and I instantly downgrade that lady to Shitty Parent status. I feel pressure to live up to a parental ideal that no one probably has ever achieved. I feel pressure to raise a group of human beings that will help America kick the shit out of Finland and South Korea in the world math rankings. I feel pressure to shield my kids from the trillion pages of hentai donkey porn out there on the Internet. I feel pressure to make the insane amounts of money needed for a supposedly middle-class upbringing for the kids, an upbringing that includes a house and college tuition and health care and so many other expenses that you have to be a multimillionaire to afford it. PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE.

You cannot hide from the world. It will find you. It always does. And now it has found me. My split second of immortality is over. All thats left now is the end, which is all any of us ever has.

Jokes about butts WORKED.

Its a fact that every minute you hold a child, it triples in mass.

Take any two-year-old through a car wash and their skulls are blown. FLAPS! FOAM! ROLLING THINGS! Its the closest theyll ever get to being inside a working spaceship.

For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.

When a teacher is paying extra attention to your child, you believe that its because you raised such an exceptional kid, one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest of her booger-eating friends.

You become a parent, and your whole life becomes about worrying. You just worry constantly whether theyll be okay. And the idea that Ill be worried forever about them and what they do...I almost have a panic attack when I think about it. Im worried, and Im worried about having to worry so goddamn much.

This is the Supernova, he said. Any time he gets worked up, his body bursts into white-hot light that disintegrates anything around him. Thats how I felt when I was growing up. Everything I had inside of me, I just wanted to turn loose. Felt like my heart had a nuclear reactor melting down inside of it. Thats how you feel when youre young and you want everything.

Youre better off believing in God theyd warn you, just in case. Because youd hate to arrive at the gates of heaven a nonbeliever and find out the Christians had been right all along. It was a pretty ingenious line of thinking. It almost made me want to go to church. Not enough to actually go, but still.

I know theres no heaven. I know it all turns to nothingness. But I fear there will be some remnant of me left within that void. Left conscious by some random fluke. Something that will scream out for this. That one speck of my soul will still exist and be left trapped and wanting. For you. For the light. For anything.

I once met a traveler who told me he would live to see the end of time. He laid out all his vitamins before me and told me he slept seven hours every night, no more or less. All the life you want, he said. Its all within the palm of your hand now. He said he would outlast all the wars and all the diseases, long enough to remember everything, and long enough to forget everything. Hed be the last man still standing when the sun decides to collapse upon itself and history ends. He said he had found the safest place on earth, where he could stay until the gateway to the beyond opened before him. A thousand generations from today. I pictured him there, atop a remote and snowy mountain. The heavens opening and God congratulating him for his perseverance. Asking him to join Him and watch as the sun burns down to a dull orange cinder and everything around it breaks is orbit and goes tumbling tumbling away, everything that once seemed permanent pulled apart so effortlessly, like a ball of yarn. A life into divinity.But I knew it was a lie. Ive always known it was a lie. You can not hide from the world. It will find you. It always does. And now it has found me. My split second of immortality is over. All thats left now is the end, which is all any of us ever has.