Quotes by Doug Stanhope

“A republican stands up in congress and says I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!! and the democrat stands up after him and says AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!”

“Id totally trust you to run my country!...into the ground.”

Artist communities love to bullshit each other and glad-hand one another, and theres no room for the crippling honesty of comedy.Im a painter -- well... you dont...probably need to do that.. . . if youre painting something that doesnt exist, I understand that, I can appreciate- . . . but if your pain- oh, its a barnyard scene in autumn--well then just take a picture of a barn in autumn! Its way better than a painting! - Before Turning the Gun on Himself [2012]

I really dont like art with a message, unless the message is crystal clear.If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fuckin say it! Dont hide it in indecipherable lyrics... a sculpture, its a play, the subtext... just fuckin say it, cause the people who need to hear messages are dumb as shit--the masses of humanity are dumb as shit, and youre really just pandering to your friends. Say what the fuck you mean, just say it! Title the song eat more leafy greens. Give a hoot, dont pollute is as much message and art combined, cause I get that, its a poem but Im pretty sure youre saying dont pollute. But if you have something... ooh, I have the cure for cancer...and Ive hidden it in this Rubix cube!! -- just fuckin say it! - Before Turning the Gun on Himself [2012]

I dont even understand the connection with died for your sins. He died for your sin, well, how does one affect the other? I hit myself in the foot with a shovel for your mortgage...

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, shes in every kind of..thing like that. This woman, they say, she lost her first four children--died from malnutrition--and, now, shes afraid that her new six-month-old newborn twins will suffer the same fate. ... Whos going to step in and say...kick her in the cunt til it doesnt work, that woman is a sociopath! that is a sick human being!. ... How much of a sociopath do you need to be? That is the slow ritual torture-murder of children, one after another! At what point does cause-and-effect not kick in? How many bulb-headed skeletons have to go stiff in your arms?! ... what? this ones not working... oh, well lets try again, one after another. At what point do you not go I think this is bad? ... How many kids are you going to fuckin kill, lady? ... If you impregnate someone under those conditions, they should abort the parents! thats sick!

I kept a picture of me kissing my dad’s corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I’d break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.