Quotes by Dick Gregory

“I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.”

“If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, theyd have to bring out the tanks to control you”

“We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didnt think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.”

“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.”

“I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man”

“When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. Its not enough, but it helps.”

“Civil Rights: What black folks are given in the U.S. on the installment plan, as in civil-rights bills. Not to be confused with human rights, which are the dignity, stature, humanity, respect, and freedom belonging to all people by right of their birth.”

“In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago its a sport.”

“Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned”

“America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But dont misuse a household pet.”

No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. Thats already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.

They told me there was very little racial prejudice in Hawaii. Like a woman is just a little bit pregnant.

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: We dont serve colored people here. I said: thats all right, I dont eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.

Momma, a welfare cheater. A criminal who couldnt stand to se her kids go hungry, or grow up in slumbs and end up mugging people in dar corners. I guess the system didnt want her to get off relief, the way it kept sending social workers around to be sure Momma wasnt trying to make things better.

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

I wont say Im out of condition now - but I even puff going downstairs.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighbourhood after dark.

You hear entertainers all the time, saying, If I couldnt get paid for this, Id do it for free. Whens the last time you ever heard a business person say, If I couldnt get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, Id do it for free?

You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you havent got trillions of dollars in the bank that you dont need, you cant be white.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.