-And what would you do if you lost a child?-I would think I was going to die, Elena said. But I wouldnt. I learned long ago that I must give up my child to the earth, to God, to the world, to death, to the possibility of death, to the possibility of disease, and in doing so I became at peace. Because I had let my child go. And in letting the child go, I became colder, more distant, and more at peace. But I still loved the child, dont be wrong. As you love your child. I am sorry.
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Hope had finally learned to live in the present. Often, when she found herself in a space of tremendous comfort, usually out in nature, or when her children were safe all around her and on the verge of going to bed, she forced herself to take stock. Here you are, Hope, she told herself. What a beautiful moment. You may never again be here at this spot, enjoying the calm. This habit of hers, to acknowledge the immediate and elusive joy of the present, kept her sane.
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Words mean nothing. They are like the husks of the coffee Bean. They cover what is essential, which is the bean itself, and when the husks are discarded, they lie on the road and rot and disappear. Actions are what lie inside, like the bean.
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Her mother had once told her that one could run away from home, from husband, from children, from trouble, but it was impossible to run away from oneself. You always have to take yourself with you, she said. And now, bending towards her mother, Hope wondered if in death you were finally able to run away from yourself. This might be deaths gift. She knew that the thought wasnt terribly profound, but she was moved by the notion of completion and of escape.
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The most difficult part of being a mother was to observe the mistakes of ones children: the foolish loves, the desperate solitude and alienation, the lack of will, the gullibility, the joyous and naive leaps into the unknown, the ignorance, the panicky choices and the utter determination.
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-Because theyre free.-They might look free, but they arent. Believe me. Youre free.-How am I free?-Youre free to be modest. Youre free to not smoke up. Youre free to be here and listen and not respond to the nonsense that Hanna spouts. Youre very calm, and youre very comfortable with yourself.
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A mentor, a teacher, is like an editor. I absolutely value my editor, who is my teacher.
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