Quotes by Darynda Jones

You totally need to watch the news.Cant.Why?Its too depressing.Right, because hanging with dead people isnt.

I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.” “Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?” “Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?” “Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?

Nobody wants to look like a fool. Nine times out of ten, thatreason alone keeps people from allowing themselves to believe.

When life hands you lemons say,Lemons? What else have you got?- bumper sticker

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

There are very few personal problems that cant be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.

For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

LIKE THE SUICIDAL RACCOON, I, TOO, WILL FUCK UP YOUR ALIGNMENT IF YOU RUN ME OVER. - T-shirt

As we sat there, the door opened, just barely, and a hand slid inside and dropped a set of keys on a side table.Thanks, Garrett! I called out.He gave me a thumbs-up and closed the door.How do you suppose he knew we were performing sexual favors on each other? I asked, snuggling against my man again.Possibly because you screamed my name about seven times.

Have you slept yet?Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.Didnt you drive there?Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.- Charley & Cookie

I know what kind of man it takes to get involved with something as barbarous as human trafficking.”“I get it, Swopes. He’s not the kind of man you take home to meet yourstepmom.” I rethought that. “Wait a minute. Maybe my stepmom would like to meet him. Do you think he ships to Istanbul?

You hit me again, I said, growing oddly annoyed.Ya think? Evil Riggs said. Smart-ass.Part of my brain hurts. I demand to know what that part of my brain is called and what its job is.

I’m currently unsupervised It frisks me out too but the possibilities are endless

Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?”Her expression softened. “Can you just make sure I’m not around when it happens?”“No can do,” I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. “If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius.”She pursed her lips. “What ever happened to taking one for the team?”“Was never much of a team player.”“Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?”“Not that into human sacrifice.”“Suffering in silence?”I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. “If I have to suffer, I’ll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You’ll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words.”- Charley to Cookie

Since I didnt have a candy wrapper to help me with the bad connection I was about to have, I resorted to using vocal sound effects. When Agent Carson picked up, I started my performance. Agent... Agent Carson, I said, panting into the phone.Yes, Charley. She seemed unimpressed, but I wasnt about to stop now.I--I know who the kshshshshshsh are.Im a little busy right now, Davidson. What is a Ksh, and why do I care?Im sorry. My kshshsh... is kshshsh... ing.I repeat. What is a Ksh? And why do I care if it is ksh-ing?She was a tough one. I knew I should have waited and bought a Butterfinger at the Jug-N-Chug. Those wrappers crakled like Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning. You arent listeni--kshshsh.Youre really bad at this.Bank ro-ksh-ers. I know who they kshshsh.Charley, if you dont cut this crap out.I hung up and turned off my phone before she could figure out what I was trying not to tell her and call back.